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How Selfvation Started

Hello! My name is Angel Rogers. Many of you may have heard about my business, but today I wanted to share the story behind it.

I went into mental health treatment and was diagnosed with a mood disorder and a psychotic disorder.

Throughout every day, I constantly felt alone and the only company I had were the most painful emotions that I could never make go away. When I was distracted, I didn’t feel as bad; once the distractions went away, the feeling of my world crushing down around me returned. No one knew how to help me, and I had no idea how to ask. I had been excessively self-medicating with alcohol in attempt to change how I felt, to the point where I felt barely human. I was helpless. I avoided all mirrors because I feared the reflection waiting for me. I wasn’t eating, and I barely slept. When I did, I would lie on my floor until I lost consciousness because I didn’t deserve my bed. I didn’t deserve anything other than pain. There were times where I would sit outside of my own house in 100+ degree weather because I didn’t deserve my AC. I thought that the only logical thing to do was to make my body suffer as much as my mind did. I self-harmed. Every day I thought about relatively painless ways to kill myself because I did not feel brave enough. After all the alcohol poisoning, self-harm, and conspiring, I felt like I couldn’t even kill myself right.

When I finally arrived at the facility and got help, I saw a man who looked exactly the way I felt and figured we must be going through the same thing. I overheard him speaking about how he wasn’t able to afford the full length of the treatment and that they were kicking him out after 3 days. He began crying hysterically in desperation and fear of himself.

At the facility, we had moments of recreational time to unwind. While that conversation happened, I was painting to distract myself from this new home for the next 30 days. I suddenly realized that I was not just doing this for myself. I had to help people like him in some way. Unfortunately, his insurance refused to cover the full 30 days of treatment he had desired, and his bed was empty by morning.

That is when I decided to use the painting as a symbol for hope. To help remove the stigma around mental health, and to fundraise for those who cannot afford treatment. I wanted to form a community of likeminded artists and creators who can use Selfvation as a platform for their work while we contribute to the cause. Today I can look in the mirror and know that even I deserved life and happiness; I’m learning to be proud of my struggles because I know that someday they will make me stronger. This project gives my life purpose, and I do not fear myself anymore.

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