top of page

Remember you're not alone

I grew up in an abusive environment... My father was emotionally and physically abusive to my mom, sister and me growing up. My sister is 13 years older than me and we lived in Florida for a few years after she moved out so we couldn't really be there for each other until I was older. The result was a very lonely, anxious, and violent childhood that I don't remember very much of. I have suffered with anxiety, anger, and self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. My self-medication was girls at first, then as an adult switched to alcohol and weed. I have known for a long time that what I really need is professional help, but I have been to some counseling and never really clicked with any of the therapists so gave it up and pushed it off. I went on an SRI for awhile, but didn't like the way it made me feel. All of my actions were directed towards doing the things that made those around me happy and comfortable, but I was completely neglecting myself - I didn't believe I was worth it. The ironic thing was that because I wasn't happy and had this darkness inside of me from my childhood, I was completely incapable of making anyone around me happy. It didn't help that I had created a very unpleasant life-circumstance for myself by doing what I thought and was told was the right thing by marrying the girlfriend who I impregnated. My life had become a vicious hole of holding in my feelings and emotions until I blew up, self-medicating, and thoughts of suicide. My current wife and I actually met around the same time that I met my ex-wife. I was self-medicating with females heavily at that time and Katlynn was smoking hot so... we had a purely physical relationship. We did have some intimate moments that I couldn't really explain the connection that I felt at the time, the memories of which stuck with us both. I spent 10 years in a very unhealthy marriage: continuously repeating a vicious cycle of fighting and failing to be the father I wanted to be. Blowing up at stupid things and exposing my children to screaming, yelling, cursing, and everything but physical violence (although there were some close calls). I had resigned myself to the belief that because of the mistakes I had made, I was destined to live the rest of my life in a miserable marriage - that's what I deserved. Katlynn came back into my life at a time when I had basically given up on being happy. We had maintained some contact over the years, but not much because of my marriage - she was always very respectful of that. Over the next couple of years communicating mostly online - Katlynn made me realize that I do deserve happiness and ended up revealing to me that she had fallen in love with me all those years ago and still had feelings for me. I admitted that I had held onto the memories as well and had considered her "the one who got away". With my newfound belief that I do deserve to be happy, I found the courage to leave the unhappy marriage. I still did not have the courage to be alone so I immediately started dating Katlynn and realized pretty quickly that we have a very deep connection and I fell completely in love. Katlynn and I had a rocky road to marriage largely due to my inability to process and discuss my emotions. I had some very sensitive triggers and it took some time for us to figure out how to work around them. I was still self-medicating by drinking every day and smoking a lot of pot to slow down my inner-monologue and give me more control over it. I still knew I needed help, but it didn't seem like a priority because I thought I had it all under control. Except that I didn't. I still had blowups of anger and I was still struggling with these inner-demons. On 7/17/2022, while celebrating my wife's birthday, a series of triggers led me to blowing up again. This time I cussed out my wife and her parents, then proceeded to walk 13 miles home. I alienated everyone who cared the most about me. This was the last straw for Katlynn and she demanded that I seek help. This was the wakeup call that I needed to remind me that my mental health does not belong on the backburner. Serendipitously, I had reached out to Angel for advice on starting up a business right before the reinvigoration of Selfvation. When I saw his renewed efforts and all of the focus on mental health awareness, I knew I had to be part of it! My journey to mental health is just starting and I look forward to sharing it with this community. It is so important for you to remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

-- Thanks,Jake

17 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

I'm here because I was invited by a friend. I was diagnosed with anxiety a long time ago, twenty years, but I'm sure I've lived with it for a very long time. I took meds for a little while, but not

bottom of page